Dear Two Cents: When Family Money Meets Fiancé Debt

Dear Two Cents,

I’m getting married next spring to a wonderful man who happens to have more than $100,000 in student loan debt. Recently, my family gifted us $80,000 to use for our wedding or toward a new home. My fiancé suggested we consider using part of it toward his loans, but I feel strongly that since it’s from my family, it shouldn’t go to pay off his personal debt.

I don’t want to start our marriage feeling resentful, but I also want us to be smart about money. Should we spend the money on our wedding, save it for a home, or help chip away at his debt?

— Torn Between Love and Loans

Dear Torn,

You’re starting with the wrong question. You’re starting with the money—but the first question should always be:

“What do I value most? And what does my partner value most?”

Sometimes the answers match perfectly. Sometimes they don’t. Either way, that’s the compass for making this decision.

Think of money as your little soldiers. They go out into the world to protect your boundaries, serve your goals, and help you build the life you envision. If you don’t know what you’re defending or building, your soldiers won’t know where to go.

I also sense you see this gift as your money rather than our money. No judgment—that’s an honest and important awareness. But if that’s the case, you have options:

1. Use it for something you both value so there’s no lingering resentment—like a home you’ll share or an experience you’ll treasure.

2. Split it based on your different priorities—allocate a percentage toward what your partner values, and another toward what matters most to you.

3. Let it rest. Park the money somewhere it can grow while you both figure out your long-term goals. (And yes, talk to a financial adviser for that step—this is for informational purposes only.)

Some might say paying off his loans benefits both of you—and if you stay together long-term, that’s true. But the bigger win here is making a choice rooted in shared values, not pressure, guilt, or habit.

So before you crunch numbers, sit down together, and talk about what matters most to each of you. Then send your little soldiers into battle for that.

Peace,
Two Cents on Love